Snot

Part of the illness that my doctor almost admits I have but won’t officially diagnose me with because I only failed three out of the five tests includes escapades with my nose. One symptom has earned me a lovingly termed nickname “Rudolph the red-nosed Julie” because my nose will at some times inexplicably become redder than the rest of my face — and it has nothing to do with the temperature of the room (and probably has something to do with blood flow…the jury’s still out).

The other symptom has to do with a constant battle with my nasal passages. They have periods where they become enflamed, itchy, and produce a crusty, stuck on kind of snot that doesn’t come out when you blow your nose. You know, the kind you have to stick your finger up into your nostril and pick out by yourself. I’m sure as a 45 year old adult, this looks very mature (that’s sarcasm right there, by the way). But if I leave it in there, it dries so hard that it gets painful and my nose gets glued shut and I can’t breathe. Thus enters the turning-my-head-away-and-hope-no-one-walks-in-this-direction quick picking procedure that ensues, and if you ever see me with my head turned and my finger up my nose — now you know why. Don’t laugh or point your own finger at me. Just be glad it isn’t you.

Other days my snot is a runny drippy mess that doesn’t produce copious amounts you can get rid of by using a tissue and has nothing to do with the pollen count, but produces just enough that every once in a while I feel like people are staring at me like, “What IS that on your face?” and it makes me run for a tissue to wipe my nose — worsening the already Rudolph-like appearance of my face. Once I performed this feat disturbingly harried-like after having cut up a hot pepper, and the results were especially astonishing. My nose screamed bloody murder for hours afterward. Not a good look on me.

Then there are the blessed days that my nose behaves itself and leaves me alone. But those days are few and far between.

Just a side note here, while we’re talking about snot: what are you supposed to do those times you discover, after a sneeze or an unexpected quick nose itch, that you have acquired a hitchhiker and there’s no tissue in sight? What if you’re driving? Do you wipe it on the seat? Do you wipe it on YOUR seat? Eat it, like the baby in the closet in that ghost story where he says, “I’ve gotcha where I want ya, and now I’m going to eat ya”? Truly, what do people do? How many calories are in a booger?

And another tangent: what do you do when you’re snot isn’t runny enough for a tissue, but not dried enough to pick it out, but at that gooey, sticky consistency that when you touch it, it gets all over everything — kind of like bad gravy that’s been sitting out way too long? Do you just put up with it? Blow your nose so hard it feels like your brain is coming out your nostrils with your snot, and it gives you a headache, too? Or do you sniff so hard you snort the snot down your throat, and swallow quick and hope you don’t gag on the stuff when it slides down to your stomach? Or do you just stick the tissue up your nose and pull it back out, hoping it’ll pull the snot out with it when it comes?

Seriously, why don’t people talk about this stuff more often? Oh, yeah, because it’s gross and embarrassing. Enough squirrel moments there.

But you know what? A nerdy thought here. Boogers are really helpful, when they’re working correctly. They protect you from breathing in the bad things that are carried in the air you inhale: you know, the viruses, the dust, the bacteria and whatnot that floats around before landing on something, just waiting to settle into your delicate nasal passages. Those delicate tissues are vectors with pores that can provide highways into your body, if there isn’t something sticky and gross to grab and surround the bad guys to get rid of them first. And the snot helps keep our nasal passages from drying out and bleeding all the time, because that delicate tissue has blood vessels that are close to the surface, enabling us to keep smelling those good (and nasty) scents. So a little shout out and appreciation for the green goo that lives in our noses. Really it does have a purpose.

So those are my thoughts on snot. Enjoy. And now that you’re done reading, you can go look in the mirror and make sure there isn’t anything hanging out of your nostril and clinging to your face. Wouldn’t want that.

Yup. Made you look, didn’t I?

11–19–21

Tansy Julie Soaring Eagle Paschold