Pulling Yourself Up By The Bootstraps

I have manic depression. There are times when I start seeing those red flags that show me I’m starting down the road to depression and I know I’ve got to do something. Maybe I sleep in both days on the weekend. Maybe not enough things on my to do list are getting crossed off. Maybe the alarm has to wake me up too many days in a row and each time I have that feeling of “oh no, Lord, not today”. But if I’m aware, I can feel it coming and turn it around before I’m headed down to the bottom where I’m not showering, missing work, and not paying my bills.

But this isn’t a blog about spotting red flags in depression. It isn’t a blog about manic depression or bipolar, either.

I’m also an alcoholic. There were times in my life when I wasn’t living in a way that felt right, and I wasn’t reaching out for the right kind of help, or not looking for the right kind of answers. I was self medicating, drinking to escape my reality until one day I had had enough bottoms, enough blackout drunks, enough hangovers, and I walked into an AA room and asked for the right kind of help. Looking back on my life, there were times I didn’t think I had a choice in the way I was living my life, and that was one of my excuses for drinking. During my years in AA, I’ve discovered that I always had a choice. I may not have liked the selection, but I always had a choice in what I was doing. Now I make better choices. Most of the time.

Another thing we learn in AA is that you have to decide to quit drinking and improve your life for yourself. Some people start out saying they’re there for their kids, or a spouse, or because the court told them to. But in the end, if you stay, you do it for you.

There was also a time in my life when I was in my first marriage, working part time, still trying to figure out my mental illness, which I was in some of my worst stages of, and newly sober. I mean brand new. My husband decided that would be a good time to file divorce, threaten me, and take the kids, too. I was working part time so couldn’t afford a lawyer, my sister wasn’t talking to me, and my parents refused to help me. I was literally all on my own. Alone. There was no one there to help me. So who do you think it was that marched to the boss’s room and asked for a full time position? Who do you think found a doctor to help with their illness? Who found a budget to be able to keep their car and their house and pay their bills on their own? Who fought that lawyer and got visitation rights and the threat lessened and got to see their kids again? Me. All on my own.

What’s my point in all this?

I’m not saying you have to do everything by yourself. I’m not saying don’t ask for help. I’m not saying disability isn’t out there. I’m not saying families never come through (because mine eventually did).

I’m saying there’s one person out there in the end who had to make the decision to go out and do what needed to be done — whatever it is that needed to be done. No matter how hard the decision or trivial the action. It was me.

I’m in no way saying I’m perfect and life is rosy all the time. I’ve had bad times, too. I get bad brain days (when even making a sandwich seems like a big feat), make stupid mistakes (like getting married for a second time), and stressed (when I call my mom and dad and ask for help), too. Yeah, sometimes my brain gets full or my PTSD rears its ugly head and I have a bad night. I give myself that night to do what I need to get over it. But then I get on with life. I space out my chores. I have a budget. I say no when I need to. I go to support groups. I ask for help. My kids know Christmas is for family and getting together, not gifts under the tree.

I count the little blessings.

And I know that I have the choice to do what needs to be done, and I will be there to do it.

So if there’s that thing you’ve been waiting or wondering or knowing needs to be done –whether it’s big or small — and whether you’re wanting courage (be afraid, but do it anyway), an excuse (there are none), God (say a prayer, then do it anyway), a sign (this is it), or time or energy (break it up into small pieces, then do it) — pull yourself up by the boot straps, and get to it! You can do it!