This is a letter I wrote to my district judge after my ex-husband, who I have a protection order, was stalking me. He would drive around the neighborhood where I lived, and stop me while I was walking.
In April of this year, you signed a protection order for me and my two children guarding against my ex-husband. You upheld this protection order in court at a hearing in which he tried to have the protection order dropped. …
My difficulty with labels — in permanent ink, at least
I have a problem.
Okay, yes, I have many problems, and have had quite a few therapists who didn’t know what to do with me, but that may have been because I didn’t know what to do with myself and where to start in explaining myself to them. I digress.
It was brought to my attention in a gentle manner that perhaps I am averse to being labeled in any way. I don’t like being placed in a mental illness bucket. I don’t know what you’d call my sexuality type. …
First, I’m going to observe that in writing or saying anything resembling an opinion, one is bound to upset, piss off, or offend someone. This is not my intention. Nor is it my intention to start a big heated debate. Writing is my way of thinking, and if my pondering and figuring things out can help someone else figure something out in their life or make them feel a little less lonely, a little less misunderstood, or a little less sad — then that’s why I share. So that’s my disclaimer. …
The full harvest moon, peeking through clouds
in a pale blue morning sky
watched me drive to my new job today.
You said you want the old me
and his letter searches for the girl
who could paint fairy tales and pretend
the world revolved solely around
my endless energy and the innate ability
to fatally romance every man I chose.
You remember someone grasping at
every moment to be with you,
dressing up to please you, giggling.
I do not know the last time I laughed.
Each morning I wake, cling to a job
that I still do not understand and…
I have not been accused
of being an outwardly adventurous
nor gregarious child
but I enjoyed the outdoors
so the first time my Girl Scout troop
went camping in platform tents
the one thing I remember isn’t
the creeking in old shoes down the riverbank or
the songs around the campfire or
the hikes to discover the forest or
the friends’ hands held fast but
that first night
finally drifting off to sleep in my cot
being awoken with the startling realization
that I could no longer breathe,
my sleeping bag twisted tight around me,
I having fallen off my…
How I’m treated differently as a woman in a man’s world
I walk into the Crop Production Clinic, a day of talks centering around agriculture presented by our University’s Extension staff. I know what to expect for the day. First, when I go to sit down in the lecture room, I will get men glancing at me from the corner of their eyes, and no one will sit in the chairs next to me. They will not chitchat with me, not smile, and I will be ignored for most of the morning, if not the whole day. I will, however, also not have to wait in line at the bathroom. …
I thought I had made it clear
after going from the frying pan
to a pot of boiling water
that I was staying away
from the fire
altogether this time.
Yet you persist in pursuing me
just the same.
I keep getting chased by pots and pans.
When I am confidently standing and
dancing on my own
you are attracted by my strength.
I am a butterfly,
free and flitting about, uncaptured
and you yearn to subdue me.
But when you catch me and learn
there is no controlling this winged spirit,
no way to jar the light I…
I started writing this in February, during one of my winter seminars, before I made the decision to get my protection order from my husband and go on my own.
My counselor called what I have now Complex-PTSD and what I was going through narcissistic abuse syndrome. It is real, and sneaky, and scary. I write this for those of you who are questioning their feelings, wonder about their realities, and consider if they are capable of being independent. I am sharing this for those of you in a similar situation, to say to you: yes it is real, yes it is dangerous, and yes you can do it. I didn’t share it before because I feared that he would read my blog and I would have repercussions at home. …