My difficulty with labels — in permanent ink, at least

I have a problem.

Okay, yes, I have many problems, and have had quite a few therapists who didn’t know what to do with me, but that may have been because I didn’t know what to do with myself and where to start in explaining myself to them. I digress.

It was brought to my attention in a gentle manner that perhaps I am averse to being labeled in any way. I don’t like being placed in a mental illness bucket. I don’t know what you’d call my sexuality type. …

First, I’m going to observe that in writing or saying anything resembling an opinion, one is bound to upset, piss off, or offend someone. This is not my intention. Nor is it my intention to start a big heated debate. Writing is my way of thinking, and if my pondering and figuring things out can help someone else figure something out in their life or make them feel a little less lonely, a little less misunderstood, or a little less sad — then that’s why I share. So that’s my disclaimer. …

The full harvest moon, peeking through clouds

in a pale blue morning sky

watched me drive to my new job today.

You said you want the old me

and his letter searches for the girl

who could paint fairy tales and pretend

the world revolved solely around

my endless energy and the innate ability

to fatally romance every man I chose.

You remember someone grasping at

every moment to be with you,

dressing up to please you, giggling.

I do not know the last time I laughed.

Each morning I wake, cling to a job

that I still do not understand and…

I have not been accused

of being an outwardly adventurous

nor gregarious child

but I enjoyed the outdoors

so the first time my Girl Scout troop

went camping in platform tents

the one thing I remember isn’t

the creeking in old shoes down the riverbank or

the songs around the campfire or

the hikes to discover the forest or

the friends’ hands held fast but

that first night

finally drifting off to sleep in my cot

being awoken with the startling realization

that I could no longer breathe,

my sleeping bag twisted tight around me,

I having fallen off my…

How I’m treated differently as a woman in a man’s world

I walk into the Crop Production Clinic, a day of talks centering around agriculture presented by our University’s Extension staff. I know what to expect for the day. First, when I go to sit down in the lecture room, I will get men glancing at me from the corner of their eyes, and no one will sit in the chairs next to me. They will not chitchat with me, not smile, and I will be ignored for most of the morning, if not the whole day. I will, however, also not have to wait in line at the bathroom. …

To Men

I thought I had made it clear

that

after going from the frying pan

to a pot of boiling water

that I was staying away

from the fire

altogether this time.

Yet you persist in pursuing me

just the same.

I keep getting chased by pots and pans.

When I am confidently standing and

dancing on my own

you are attracted by my strength.

I am a butterfly,

free and flitting about, uncaptured

and you yearn to subdue me.

But when you catch me and learn

there is no controlling this winged spirit,

no way to jar the light I…

I started writing this in February, during one of my winter seminars, before I made the decision to get my protection order from my husband and go on my own.

My counselor called what I have now Complex-PTSD and what I was going through narcissistic abuse syndrome. It is real, and sneaky, and scary. I write this for those of you who are questioning their feelings, wonder about their realities, and consider if they are capable of being independent. I am sharing this for those of you in a similar situation, to say to you: yes it is real, yes it is dangerous, and yes you can do it. I didn’t share it before because I feared that he would read my blog and I would have repercussions at home. …